Trump hoping Santa delivers a border wall this Christmas

Negotiations were said to be continuing today between attorneys for President Donald J. Trump and the North Pole regarding the annual naughty-or-nice list being compiled by Santa Claus, according to anonymous sources.

Though Mr. Claus has not revealed where President Trump stands on the naughty-or-nice list, sources at the White House say the president is unhappy with speculation that Mr. Claus might place him in the naughty category.

Trump has decried reports of a feud with Santa Claus as fake news and publicly released his yearly letter to Santa to prove their relationship is still good.

“Dear Santa,

“I want to thank you for the Elf on the Shelf you left me last year. At first, he was just a cute Christmas toy, but he’s become one of my closest advisors and I’m seriously considering making him my chief of staff.

“I’m a little disappointed you didn’t deliver the border wall I asked for. Maybe this year.

“I also hear you’re making out your Naughty or Nice list, and I’m sure you know that nobody has ever been as nice as I am.

“Look at all the nice things I’ve done, like passing a tax cut so hard-working rich people can keep more of their money, or gutting Obamacare so taxpayers don’t have to pay for sick people’s health insurance, or giving free paper towels to those people in Puerto Rico after the hurricane.

“I want you to know I consider you one of my best friends, right up there with Kim Jong-Un, Vladimir Putin, Mohammed bin Salman, that Erdogan guy in Turkey and, of course, Sean Hannity.

“I look forward to hearing back from you.

“P.S. — There was NO COLLUSION!”

According to sources in the White House, Trump was incensed that he never heard back from Santa Claus.

That became evident this weekend when the president fired off a barrage of early-morning anti-North Pole tweets:

“Santa is a Democrat Elf who picked the stupidest place on Earth to locate his business. Like he’s going to get FOOT TRAFFIC at the NORTH POLE? The whole Naughty Or Nice thing is a HOAX. Why did Naughty Hillary and Lying James Comey get presents last Christmas??? How come THEIR not on the Naughty list??? WITCH HUNT!!!”

Trump went on to question the penalty Santa gives to those who do make the naughty list:

“BAD people get COAL in their stockings? COAL is a good thing. We’re bringing back COAL! Shows you what a DEMOCRAT Santa is. Democrats hate coal. They hate jobs. Santa and the Democrats want open borders! SAD!”

Trump went on to laud his own Christmas-related accomplishments:

“If not for me, Democrat Santa would be out of a job. I made it okay to say MERRY CHRISTMAS! Before I was President, no one said MERRY CHRISTMAS anymore. You were arrested if you said Merry Christmas! The Liberals made them say Happy Holidays. Disgrace! I want to make it a White Christmas Again! #BORDERWALLNOW.”

The president’s leading TV-attorney, Rudy Giuliani appeared Sunday on Meet the Press to dispel notions that Donald Trump had done anything that could be considered naughty.

“What’s he done wrong?” Giuliani said. “He gave money to two women and helped them back on their feet when their careers as a porn star and a Playboy model started to sag. That was a charitable contribution. Sure, for legal reasons, the money had to be laundered through a phony LLC, but Santa knows how these things work. What, you think Santa’s clean? How do you run an operation at the North Pole for all these years without an audit? I mean, nobody asks how Santa makes a profit. You ever wonder how a guy can afford to hand out millions of gifts every year but he has no income?”

Trump downplayed Giuliani’s comments at a subsequent press conference.

“I don’t know Rudy Giuliani,” Trump said. “I heard he used to be a lawyer. I think somebody said he was the mayor of New York at some point, I don’t know. I’ve never met him.”

However, Trump doubled down on Giuliani’s comments questioning Santa’s authority to compile a naughty-or-nice list.

“I will say this,” Trump said. “And a lot of people have told me this. Some people say, a lot of people say, this Santa Claus person doesn’t even exist. Like, the guy’s not real. He’s not real! I mean, I don’t know. That’s what a lot of people say. They say there is no such thing. There’s no such thing as Santa Claus. So, how does he get to compile a naughty-or-nice list? I mean, if you’re not real, if you don’t exist, how come you get to decide who’s naughty or nice? It’s all made-up. It’s a hoax. It’s a witch hunt. So, nobody who doesn’t exist should have that kind of power. And that’s why I’m going to insist the Department of Justice and the FBI investigate this Santa Claus person to see if he exists. And if he doesn’t exist, I think he should be prosecuted. And it’s sad, really, because he’s done so much for the holidays. But, that’s all I have to say. Thank you. Merry Christmas.”

Tim Ryan is a Leader reporter and intermittent satire columnist. Readers can contact him at tryan@newmedia-wi.com.